earlier today, my best friend timothy and i were having a conversation about... well, things happening in our lives that seem (to me) impossibly hard to survive. And the best response I could muster was "dude, life sucks. through and through." and he responded timidly and firmly (only tim is capable of weaving those two together) "no it doesn't. it's beautiful."

i wish i didn't believe him but i do.

I was holding my 14 month old niece tonight while her mother was wrapping strands of lights around a beautiful spruce tree. I touched my niece's hand and said "dang Bella Bea, your hands are freezing!" I cupped her hand inside of mine and hhhaaaaaaaah-ed into it. Bella stared at me with her enormous eyes as I did this. When I was done, she so gently took my hand, held it up to her face and exhaled softly from her nose. My heart has not felt that warm in a very long time.

call me back to bed.

wow. almost a single year since my last blog. that's wild. I guess I don't have a lot say (boy, this is going great so far). I turned 27 yesterday. dang. okay, now that I sit here staring at this blinking vertical line, I've had a few thoughts about what I could I say. I'm in a strange, terrible, exciting, tumultuous, and an altogether completely uncharted place in my life. I've squandered the beautiful influence in my life. And I may have lost her altogether. It's really starting to look that way. Or maybe I'm just now starting to peek from behind my hands enough to see that it is indeed her who has packed her bags and has left for good. And mostly due to my inability to reconcile all of my feelings, my fears, my trust/ mistrust, my boundless love, nor this damned tender and raw heart. So where do I go from here? The first time I've abandoned all strategies to get out unscathed and instead truly commit with every ounce of me, I find myself alone and reeling. Gangly and lost. Because I chose a less resistant path. Because I did things in the wrong order; meaning, I didn't do the right thing first thus keeping me from doing the wrong thing. So i've finally awoken this beauty within me only to find itself alone in a guest-room's double bed. Unable to coax himself back to sleep. I know there's a light to lead me out of here, and I'm seeking it earnestly.